The Talented Mister Krillin
by ChronicallyinFlaming
Summary: Krillin, alone in his bedroom, unable to clear his thoughts of a certain blonde android, tries to learn the implications of attraction. Takes place before Cell is completed.


**Author's Note:**

**Takes place sometime around episode 131 and 134. So before Cell absorbs any androids. Arguably AU.**

'_Italics_**'-Krillin**

'Something smutty/too optimistic'**-Krillin's Libido**

**Also, the name for this story was obviously taken from the movie, 'The Talented Mister Ripley.'  
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><p>He was alone, door was locked, and he was lying on his back. When he closed his eyes, the red dying sun still leaking through the blinds and curtains went away. ("Naw, you guys, I'm tired, going to bed.") The sheets still smelled strongly of the soap they'd been washed in.<p>

It was difficult, living in a house with Roshi, who had perhaps the biggest dirty movie and magazine stock in the entire world, and Oolong who had a room full of panties, to be chaste. Even if you were completely innocent of any dirty thoughts originally, it was hard to keep your thoughts pure when every time you opened a drawer or closet, you were confronted with pictures of nude lithe bodies.

When you were alone in a room, with nothing but maybe a boring book or the never changing sea to look at, it was equally hard to ignore the noises that came from the television downstairs.

And he spent a lot of time watching the ocean, or reading a lot of books.

It made being around woman in a purely innocent manner, very difficult. If you weren't used to

seeing pictures of women in a sexual manner, you had to overhear Master Roshi or Oolong's remarks about them. You just had to go to the mall alone, or not at all. Same with the grocery store, the bookstore, restaurants, etc. Krillin hadn't left the house with them to do chores in over a year.

He tried to not think about sex. It was like poison ivy, where if you scratched, the itch only worsened. It was best to discover a hobby, so then you would have some skin that wasn't bloody or covered by a rash. Meditating, or working out or swimming or painting the house were much, much safer.

The ex-monk stared down at his scarred knees. It was too hot for pajamas, so he sat on the futon in his underwear and tried not to feel self-conscious. He was alone for Kami's sake. He rolled over.

Krillin tried his best. No one could claim that he didn't always attempt to give it his all.

But he was alone for the first time in quite a while.

He rolled over again.

Movie played in a loop in his head. No matter what he did, they wouldn't shut off. He tried to tell the girls in his head to please, ladies, put your clothes on. Let's be proper adults and please get off my lap. At least the girls were anonymous strangers from movies and magazines. It was humiliating to think about a certain girl you knew, even cashiers or people you saw at the places you shopped at, and then to have to meet their eyes the following day. He blushed enough around women.

His mouth moved silently. Old prayers and blessing were remembered, recited, then given up on.

What he needed was a nice trip out to the mountains, freezing half to death and being able to turn his mind off. Yes. He could go visit Tien and Chaotzu. They would train and focus on safe things, such as the best way to blind/amputate an enemy was.

Or he could go to the Sons' house, eat Chi-Chi's cooking before she threw something at him. Maybe Goku and Gohan would be there. They could go fishing, and he and Gohan could laugh when Goku caught a fish bigger than the house.

Capsule Corp, and he could listen to Bulma screaming at him. Maybe Vegeta would be there, and he would say the wrong thing about his hair at the wrong time, and distract himself by running away and hoping he wouldn't die. They would run through the domed buildings, until Bulma screamed at Vegeta because he'd put her hair dryer in the hamper and the entire room had caught fire. Again.

Krillin ran a hand over his head, feeling the rough just-beginning stubble forming. He reminded himself to shave early tomorrow. The last thing he wanted was to go downstairs for breakfast and be teased at for...well, having hair. Master Roshi and Oolong both mocked him whenever he'd forgotten to shave, but he preferred to think that it was simply jealousy. Although, even the ex-monk would find it funny to see himself with the first tiny hairs poking their way through.

He shifted underneath the covers. It was warm, and he wondered when winter would hit the island. It never really did, not fully, but sometimes there was a chill in the air and it reminded him of the holidays, of seeing his friends again, and cheered him. He smiled, and focused on that.

Even that could only hold the demons at bay for so long. Old familiar paths greeted him, not unlike his friends, and were tread on again. It was too undignified to go downstairs or pry up the floorboards for a magazine to do the main body of work for his imagination. He thought about blue hair and lips painted crimson and being on a ship with her. Respect for his friend that definitely prevented him from even telling her how he felt, even as their relationship became rocky, again and again. Now, she was definitely beyond him. Married or at least in some committed relationship first off, (and to Vegeta of all people), and with a child.

He remembered Marron, her curved welcoming body and how he'd been too shy to even take her hand. Krillin still didn't know if he could touch her, if he were to take Trunk's time machine and go back to that point in his life. Such a coward.

Faces popped into his face, disappearing or sticking around, smiling at him, welcome and wanton. No matter how much he tried to concentrate on them, dark thoughts seeped in. No one had ever thought of him in such a sexual way, he was sure.

Then _she_ popped into his head and the earth tilted in another direction and sent him flying. He didn't move. Black eyes opened wide and stared at the ceiling. His hand slowed to a stop.

The teasing smile, the darkish eyelashes framing the sky blue eyes. That straight blonde hair that was unlike his friends, in shade and the fact that it was always like that. A short denim skirt that came several inches about the knee. Long sleeved striped shirt that incased long arms that could have torn him apart in a millisecond, a black shirt thrown over it and hid a pair of small but perfectly shaped breasts.

His face burned and his breathe went short.

Her torn clothes that contrasted with her clean sharp looks. The warm pink mouth that had been far, far too close to him. He wondered what it would be like to hold her, to feel her slim hips against his. In the recesses of the mind, Krillin wondered if she'd even been wearing underclothes.

She pouted, pressing her lips against his ear this time. Her chest pressed to his. "Good luck."

He tried to shoved her out, so vividly that it nearly became physical. _'Get out, get out. You don't belong here. You...'_

_'You beat up my friends.' _

_'I don't need to think about you right now. No. Ever!'_

_'It will just complicate things, I'm supposed to be trying to kill you.'_

_'You're the enemy.'_

Her pouting face. The warm breathe on his face, and it was so very cold up north. "'Good luck.'"

There were goosebumps on his arms. _At the least, she has a boyfriend. A scary boyfriend, even if he wears a scarf. He killed Dr. Gero with no problem, knocked his head off and crushed it a foot from where you were standing. _

_What do you think he'd do to you?_

_'Hm, why did she kiss me when her boyfriend was right there?'_

A terrible sneaky voice slipped in, 'Trouble in paradise?'

'Maybe you do have a chance, after all?'

_A chance of what? She's...evil._

'Well, that's very subjective.'

_Not it isn't._

'Sure it is. Look at Vegeta and Bulma. Vegeta: evil, sociopathic murder. Bulma:…less evil and sociopathic and not a murderer.'

_But they're insane messes! I'm sure they must love each other, maybe, deep down. She...there's no way she would like me. Look at me. Us, I mean._

'She was willing to kiss us. That's a good sign. How many girls do that?'

_Alright. Sure. But she was just messing with my head. And it's working!_

'Maybe she likes us? Maybe she has a thing for short noseless guys? A terrible thing for a specific type of bald guy.'

'_You sound like Master Roshi now.'_

That shut the voice right up.

_'I don't need this right now.' _

He pointed accusingly at the android that was currently residing in his head. _'I don't need to think about you.'_

Her chin was resting in her palm and a smile played on her lips.

"Really?" Juuhachigou's voice was in her usual confident tone. Sweet overlaid with smugness, endlessly frustrating and sensual. It wrapped around the back of his brain and _squeezed_.

_'Yes. I can't afford to let myself begin to care about you.'_

She laughed, that sweet tinkling laughter that reminded him of soft bells ringing and sent a stab through his stomach. "Who said anything about caring?" The woman leaned into him, and raised her eyebrows. "Maybe I'm just here to fuck you?"

_'You're not even actually here.'_

"In your head then. Whatever." She shrugged out of her blue denim vest.

_'You lost that thing when you fought Vegeta?'_

"Really?" The android motioned to the fallen vest. "_This_ you knick pick over?"

_'Well. It's inaccurate.'_

"Fine, I bought another vest. Now," her fingers tightened around the front of his gi. "Enough stalling. And since when were you wearing this? I thought you were in your underwear?"

_'I, well, we are back to that highway._' The air turned chilly; hard broke cement littered the road top, and behind her brown crumbling hills topped with trees appeared as a backdrop. _'In my mind, anyway.'_

"Fine," the blonde rolled her eyes. "_Fine._ Make me have to undress you now too?"

_'You don't have to do anything. You can just leave, fly away.'_

"I'm in your head, you stupid moron."

_'Whatever.'_

"I came all this way, and I'm not leaving until I'm done." Her black shirt was tossed to the side. "You have nothing better to do anyway."

'_I have hobbies you know! I don't just lay around with a hand down my pants, thinking of you.'_

"Sure."

_'I was thinking of taking up oil painting, I'll have you know!'_

"Oh please," her strong, slim fingers grasped either side of her long sleeved shirt and pulled it over her head. "That'll end up just like when you tried to write that book."

'_What do you know about that?'_

Juuhachigou ran a distracted hand through her hair, trying to fix it. Krillin focused on that, as opposed to anything lower. And bare. And perky…and. Damnit. "I'm in your head. So stupid. Remind me why I kissed you again?"

'_I have no idea. I expected you to know, not me.' _

She shrugged, and his eyes nearly melted and slid like undercooked eggs down his face. "I guess I wanted to make Juunanagou jealous. Maybe I wanted to see your reaction and mess with your pitiful head?"

The android unbuckled her belt and began shimmying out of her torn skirt. "Or maybe I actually like you? Thought you were cute? Nah, now this fantasy is growing unrealistic."

'_Yeah well, you probably don't have anything better to do in your free time either!'_

A shiver ran through him as her eyes narrowed. "I can always kill you in this dream instead."

_'You can leave! Leave! Please?'_

"Oh," a thin yellow eyebrow rose. "So I'm not good enough? Because I'm an android?"

_'Hey. That's not fair.'_

"Well, neither is discriminating against me because of what Gero did." She leaned forward, her face just inches from his.

He tried to reason with his fantasy._ 'You...we can't do this Juuhachigou.'_

"Resistance is futile." Her mouth pressed onto his, and he discovered she was right. Her lips were soft and firm and none of his fantasies before had felt this good. He could have kissed this imaginary woman in his head all day. His skin burned under her touch.

_'But, you have a boyfriend!'_

"I've been meaning to dump him since Gero woke us up."

She fit perfectly against him.

_Juunanagou. What about him? _

He remembered dark hair falling to his shoulders, the easy confidence he and Juuhachigou shared.

_She was just mocking me with that kiss. She would never actually touch me._

_'I can't do this.'_

_She'd kill me if she ever found out I was thinking about her like this. It's like staining her memory. Tainting that kiss._

_And she's seeing someone. And she's not even human; she's an android. And she's evil. That should be enough._

_It really should. _

But it's not.

For all his monk training, all his training as a martial artist, all the things he'd been witnessed, he was still horribly human.

Krillin's stomach twisted. The images swirled around his head and he couldn't control them.

Her leaning into him, a gleam in those terrible, beautiful eyes. Juunanagou crushing his master's head with a long athletic leap. Denim on slim bodies. A halfway crushed pale eye besides a blue tennis shoe. Green absurd socks. A pair of torn black tights.

They had the same eyes.

Did she ever kiss Juunanagou, like she had kissed him? Krillin tried to imagine it, and couldn't. They looked too much alike, it was actually kind of creepy. Was it a narcissist thing, those two being together?

Why would she even want to date that other android? That scarf, that was ridiculous. And those socks.

_It doesn't matter, if she loves him, then she does. End of the story._

She could do better, that was all he was saying.

He remembered standing with them. They weren't over average height, but they seemed to tower over lesser humans.

Imagined him alone with her. Kissing him while his friends were unconscious. Juunanagou and Juurokugou conveniently erased. He wanted to unbuckle her belt and pull her against him, to lift the skirt and tear away the rest of her tights, to enter her and hear her moaning, to see her fair hair move in time with her body. To have her on the cracked pavement. Her grace and power. See those blue eyes flutter instead of seeing her smirk at him, to have control over her.

To have her want him.

_You will never have that, any of that. _Someone began to laugh bitterly in his head.

He wished that there was some universe or timeline where he could kiss her back. Where she could find something attractive about his body.

Krillin's toes curled. Her, just her. That blonde hair and light blue eyes the light unblemished skin her teasing smile that was beginning to grow on him, he wanted her, regardless of everything his common sense everything. Self-hatred and lust molded together to become one. The hand slipped downward onto himself, and sped up.

If he'd moved his head when she went to kiss him, at the right moment, their mouths would have touched. How often was it that his fantasies weren't complete bullshit? They could have truly kissed on that highway.

He wanted her to laugh at him, to touch him, her to understand how he felt, for her to love him even half as much as he...

_Did? _

_Oh no, oh Kami, no_

_I don't love her, _he told himself._ You don't. _

_'But, well, maybe one day I could_.' Those stupid lovely blue eyes could get to a man better than himself.

_Of course, the time you fall for a girl, who kissed you and showed more interest in you than any girl ever has, she has to be a homicidal android that was created to kill Goku. _

_Of course._

_But it doesn't matter what I say, _the voice sounded bitter, jaded. _Because you will still have feelings for her and still imagine a fantasy world where she cares for you._

'Thank you. I'm glad you understand, Voice of Sanity.'

Krillin saw himself dressed in a wrinkled suit, an overworked bureaucrat that no one ever thanked. This version of himself removed his glasses to rub beneath his eyes, then waved a resigned hand. Another version of himself, with slicked back glossy hair, dressed in a finely cut suit, possessing air of sleaze and cologne, gave the worn out Krillin a high-five.

His Sanity gave his Libido a dark look. _Nothing good will come of this._

'Sure it will. Just relax. Take it easy man.'

_Says the man who made us yearn after a woman who never so much as went on a date with us. For years._

'Well, we're moving on now, aren't we?'

_Years! All that time wasted, we could have worked on that book rather than lusting after Bulma. Or organized our sock drawer. Or taken that painting class._

'_Shut up! The both of you.'_

His imagination ran amok, seeing himself kissing her, her crouching next to him. Her breasts molded to his hands, while her own fingers stroked him. She'd say his name, and there would be no cruelty in her crystal gaze. She would only look at him like he was a man and she was a woman. Human. He ached for her.

Sparks ran up and down his spine, electricity, _thunder_, and he wondered dumbly if he'd actually harmed himself this time. He didn't believe those stupid stories he'd been told as a boy, but for a second, he'd thought he was dying from the sensation. One day, it might be too much for him to handle.

Krillin imagined how he'd be found: with his pants around his ankles, hand on himself, heart blown out. The most humiliating thing. And since it would be a natural death, the dragonball wouldn't be able to bring him back. But then, that would be a good thing, because how could he be around his friends after they'd found him like that?

He swallowed thickly, and the noise echoed through the empty room. There was sticky warmth on his stomach.

_You're pathetic, just some teenage man-child. For Kami's sake, you're thirty. You should be going on dates or having relationships or something, not fantasizing about a killer robot who tried to kill your friends and teased you with a kiss. And the saddest part is, if she was a normal woman, you wouldn't even have the courage to talk to her, nor would she spare you five seconds of her time, let alone kiss you._

Hatred and disgusted came rushing back as he laid in the darkness. Alone now and forever, and effectively screwed in a way he definitely hadn't wanted in the least. It would have been better to have grabbed a dirty magazine.

His eyes slid shut. He wouldn't think about this, that was all. He would get over her, in time, and most definitely if she attempted to murder his friends.

Or if Cell got her.

Or if one of his friends was forced to kill her.

Krillin rolled over. This was just a crush, a simply attraction, she was a pretty woman and that was it. It would be over soon enough, he assured himself. Then he could move on with his life and never think about her again.

_'I'll probably never see her again.'_ He hugged his pillow and tried not to imagine a blonde haired body next to him_. 'Never ever.'_

The following morning, the androids came to Roshi's house.


End file.
